Looking back at the frustration.....all part of the course

Frustrated
I can't do the things I want to do, I have very little coordination which in turn sees me showing lack of patience. The car issue will come up in all my emotional and physical complaints that I will note. I'm frustrated that I can't just jump in the car and get out of this place for a few hours every now and then, this then creates the trapped feeling.

Humiliated
I'm very very tired of group conversations about me and how difficult I am. I'm tired of laughing along when I want to cry.  I'm difficult in the car, I'm smoking too much, I'm not eating properly, she's having major mood swings and random comments about me not coping in this community whilst I should just be more able to brush it off ( how much can one person brush off). That's great when generally you're days are "normal" , you don't struggle with every little thing. Flies touching you're over sensitive skin, feeling hot no cold no hot no cold.  Trying to ignore the constant steering pain, vibrations, weakness or feeling like your clothes are made of lead. maybe I do need to whine and remind all exactly what I'm feeling and when I'm feeling it.  I won't, this will effect me too much. I loose words when I'm talking due to trying to get it out before I forget the moral of my discussion or just always being interrupted by everyone or just plain ignored.  Repeating my social issues and other intolerances to loved ones only to have them  continue on within a day or minutes and not showing any knowledge or forethought. My children don't include me or show any concern or thought.  Only when something is needed.  I have to cut back on everything, not much left in life that I enjoy doing let alone cut back on. Listening to constant " you should have come, it was so much fun".  And stupid simple things like shifting in my chair and turning around to look at the time only to be questioned every time " what are you looking at"?.  That's just one example.  Being treated like I'm stupid all of a sudden.  I have memory loss not loss of intelligence.

Tired
Literally physically and mentally exhausted from battling the above every single minute.  My sleep patterns are 3 hours maximum at a time.  Nightmares are horrific and traumatizing.  The pain it unbearable if moving too much, no moving for too long, no bending, too much bending. Every little minuscule thing I do has to be thought about and questioned by myself as to consequences.  I have consequences for thinking about my consequences. 

Lonely but tired with social activity
I don't want to be that lady in the walking frame, I don't want to remind people constantly how I'm feeling, I don't want to cry, I don't want to sleep at strange times.
I want to be able to tolerate more than two noises at once and more than one thing moving in front of me or next to me.  I want to go out for dinner, I want to go shopping, I want to take a country view road trip.  I want to see my children and grandchildren and have them visit.  It's too far for young healthy people but expected of a very frustrated, tired, humiliated, impatient ms sufferer.

How easy it is and would be to just give up. Go mute, not see, not hear not exist........
RANT OVER.

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