Lindys silence.

that word....... silence.  My brain shuts down for absolute silence. Not wanted silence though, it's a " no choice silence".  These are the days when I can't string a sentence of simple words or needs. I'm learning, discovering  and trying to accept what is actually going on rather than getting annoyed with it. I've had and still have so many unanswered questions though. Up until now, I couldn't understand why I would shut myself away at certain times. I knew I wasn't upset, tired or just being selfish. I knew what it wasn't , but I didn't know what it was.  It comes down to what part of the brain is being affected by swelling. Swelling is DEFINATELY triggered by stress. Doesn't have to be big stress to someone else, but big stress to me. Something that has been frustrating or traumatic causes major shut downs.
Most have heard of dysarthria. It's when the muscles around your voice box and swallowing become inflamed.
So it gives a whole new understanding to me when certain things happen.  when I'm mentally not feeling the way it appears.
Words just don't come out. I look to people for help when I'm explaining something. Simple words too, not just complex words.
I'm always trying to find logic in what's happening to me, there is none. This alone creates frustration as by the time I'm half way through what I call my logic reasoning, I realise....NO, it's not that or that's not why.
It's not just dysarthria that causes a shut down, it's pain ( the biggest cause) it can even be pure contentment that I'm enjoying so much I lock in. (That's a rarer one).  There's so many reasons that I don't really know if I want to know. Do I just ride it out and get on with it when it passes ? Hindsight is such a perfect thing. And it's always right. Time is always another asset as it removes all doubt and what other conflicts are going on.

I think I'll hang out with time and hindsight as they are great friends.