the honest truth of who and where we are

Sleepless Thoughts: In bed at night, I lay awake. I feel the pain coursing through my body, as I lay in wait. I wait for relief from my meds that never comes, thinking about what I have lost and how I am shunned. There’s a mask I wear that fools all of you, you may think I’m funny and happy but I’m really blue. A constant battle rages in my mind, sensory overload happens all the time. I feel everything around me as well as within, I know pain so well, as though it is kin. Days blend together that it’s hard to tell which one is which, is my mind playing tricks on me or just a temporary glitch. I still mourn the old me though she is long gone, memories fade of when I was healthy and when my body was strong. I no longer remember a day without pain, pain has erased that, though I may look the same. I have dwindling hopes of ever being pain free, procedures and medications have been disappointing to me. I ask myself, how much longer before I lose all hope, as well as in the end, how wel

Life's food and side dishes with MS. All of us have struggled at some point in our life. Some bigger than others, but it's how you surface and what you learn along the way that is important. The test it puts on your relationship is probably the biggest factor for me. I went through the cycle and stages of anger, frustration, loneliness, fear and more. I hope I'm nearer the acceptance now. I just wanted to do what forest gump did. Run, run away. Don't know where I was running too or what I was running from, but the urge to run was real. The loneliness of battling things alone, the inability to do simple things and above all, losing independence. I lost faith in my partner before giving him the chance to prove that he could help me live, fulfil my needs and happiness, that's the loss of independence fear. The last month or so, he's been there at 1.30 in the morning because my body had gone into rigid spasticity and was having trouble breathing. He act

Life's platform. You spend your younger and middle aged years, climbing the stairs of life. Sometimes you can skip a few steps up and other times you fall 10 steps down. I'm aiming for the platform of life where the stairs are no more. You want to reach the surface that's flat, stable and all the hard work of climbing has paid off. No bigger or better or worse or lesser, just a plateau or platform. To me, this is life and the way it just is. It's the stairs that teach you when you fall or when you attain more height. As long as, at the end of the day, you have achieved those stairs..... Up or down and have something to show/ feel for it, then those stairs are stable. Take the good with the bad, dust yourself off if you fall all the way down and just start again. You can do it. You've done it before so just do it again. Great theory and practice when you are of young mind and health. It's the way to success or enlightenment, whatever it is you are c

MY LITTLE DISORDER THAT CONTROLS LINDY. * I WAKE UP AT 4 am every morning, just so I can have that peaceful moment with the birds rising and the tranquility of quietness * I roll to the side of my bed, no strength to lift my little body with this little disorder. I look around the room wondering where I am, what day it is, do I need to get ready for work, who is in the house with me, what did I do yesterday that makes me feel like I've been at the gym all night and the hangover from all the un consumed alcohol. * I stand up, fall frontwards into the wall ( or sliding doors in my case), I re gather my balance and head for the bedroom door, whack into the built in wardrobe and ricochet to the end of the bed. I stand bent over, holding onto the bed post until I get my feet again. * The fun begins here, I head down the angled flight of stairs one foot slowly , then the next, stand still to re compose my balance. Then repeat this about16 times. * Make it to the kitchen / dining/

I'd witnessed major contamination within the company ( south Australia's largest landfill on 22 hundred acres.) I worked for and lived on work site location.   10 years of being a highly respected dedicated, honest HARD worker.   Down the drain because we knew too much and a large corporation bought into the once family owned business.  We were now a threat. 5 people in total were slowly, brutally traumatised, bullied, harassed, tortured and forced to either resign or be laid off as redundant position.  One person in particular is deceased now, coronary report, unknown cause of death. ( this generally means too much stress and no spirit or will to keep living). I copped most of it as I was the manager in most areas of daily operations. My job description was broad. Titled administration manager, I was the Weigh bridge operator , administrator, labourer in many areas. Wether it be picking up blown around litter from the cells, managing and logging well depths against table wat