No fucking title

Yep, it's been a while that I've splashed my thoughts.

Specialist appointments, these ruin me prior to and after the fact.
On a positive, my daughter and granddaughters from Adelaide came for a week. With this comes emotions too. The horrible goodbye that sits me back on my arse. I'm so over saying goodbye to everyone and everything I suppose. I want to welcome in good all the time.  MY FAIRYTALE......

I've had a couple of relapses in just a few months. Some days I get up and I have no scope for the day. This shall be my last as I am dying.

These are the days where I can't for the life of me hide my illness, pretend or deny that I'm ill.  I spend a few days by the toilet.  I can hardly see as my face is so swollen and I have absolutely no feeling in my face. I try to eat and choke, when I drink it runs down my front, in my mind I'm thinking " you have to eat and drink to sustain that bit of life in you".
This is when the viscous cycle starts or can start. You neglect all necessary things that keep you alive, food, water, sunshine, even oxygen as I stop breathing a lot too.
In the past, these episodes were a lot milder to what they are now. However, I manage them with gusto now (sometimes). Even though these relapses are so savage, I've learnt to fight just a little. Go outside in your pjs for a five minute stroll around the garden. I look like death walking and have learnt not to worry what neighbours are thinking. Must be the gastro bug no doubt.
It's amazing how just a little tiny bit of effort of everything gets me through and thus allows me to go back to bed and be sick without the guilt of not fighting.
The dark sky becomes a great friend to talk to at these times. Open the Queenslander windows at all hours of the night and touch base with fresh air.   Aaaah, there is life out there. Then the stars grab me and it's almost like they have come out to play and talk. This makes me happy.
Bet a lot of people think my words are of a crazy person...... being this ill can send you crazy. BUT the crazy part is, you learn so much of who you really are.   A normal thinking chronically I'll person, fighting to stay sane when all the odds are against them.  CRAZY that I'm still here and have great days......

I'm probably about a day away from surfacing, going by my past relapses. But then they do what they want when they want so I can't be sure.  All I know at the moment is the thinking wires have woken up a bit and enough to get up and fight AGAIN.

Not your average ms sufferer. Not the ms you read about, you know, the nicer one where you have a relatively normal life.  My ms is not read about unless you dig deeper into the spectrum of ms.  Severe aggressive ms with extra fries. 🍿😒😏😘

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